Recent favorite photo

Here's a photo of a little boy who has outgrown afternoon naps. And he knows how to choose the most adorable footwear, which is important.

Humma humma humma

I'm thinking of a new name for the ol' blog here. When I come up with something decent, you'll be the first to know.

So yeah... just organizing to pack, and downing a couple of PBRs and some of this really tasty lamb-shaped chocolate cake my mom baked for Easter. I don't feel particularly stressed or overwhelmed. It'll be nice to sleep in the same bed as my husband for a change. We spend a lot of time together. Like, all day, every day. So when we're apart, it's really different for me. Going to work isn't like "OK, hon, see you in 10 hours", it's more like "OK, I'm going down the hall, see you in 10 minutes". We eat almost every meal together, take walks in the morning, watch soccer and make out in the living room while the kids are down the hall taking their afternoon naps... that kind of thing. It's nice.

Nothing much different to talk about. I've been trying to shake a headache for a couple of days. Maybe I'm thinking too hard about my laundry strategy -- how to time my loads perfectly so that I won't have to pack any unwashed garments or take anything to the cleaner's my first weekend back. Tapping my head over that one as we speak.

Saturday splendor

This morning and early afternoon were spent out and about with Mom and the kids. I am still whittling away at my take-back-to-Peru list, and I must say I had quite a successful time as far as that goes. Got the last of the kids' items and almost everything I need for myself, save a few books I have to order online.

This trip has been amazing. I spent the majority of my time at home with my mom and kids, but also got in a lot of quality friend time and even saw some relatives I haven't seen in years. In a way I feel... older. In a good sense. I have an uncle (my mom's brother, Uncle Pat) who has been living in Dallas, TX for a good 20 years and I keep thinking about him. If it's not too funny to draw this equation, I keep feeling like him. Hearing my mom making plans for her friends and cousins to come over for dinner because "Karen's visiting from Peru", or dropping what I'm doing to run out to lunch with a girlfriend, or taking the kids to places they might not see for another year... I understand something new about how it is to be away from everyone. That thing is love. It's hard to explain, but I realize I have so much more than I ever thought I did, many times over. I'm going back to the other side of the planet, but I feel more connected than ever to home.

We fly out on Thursday. Me and my babies. My good traveling, smart, funny babies. They are almost like twins, they're so similar. I'm excited to see my husband again. I'm excited for my kids that they will get to see their daddy. I'm going to miss being here, and I'm going to miss my family and friends again. It means more to me than I can describe with words that I got to see so many of your faces during this visit. Thank you. I can't wait to see you all again. Exclamation point! And my Mommy... oh my gosh, my Mommy... I love you.

We plant, and they grow

This morning we're doing a little digging in the dirt. I'm re-sorting yesterday's feelings (and lack thereof), thinking about the different funerals and burials I've attended in my lifetime. I also started thinking of tv and movie burials, and decided that my favorite fake burial happened in Six Feet Under when Nate took Lisa's body, buried it in the ground in the middle of nowhere, and gave her family someone else's ashes. D'oh!

What we're burying this morning is decidedly more innocent. Starters for some flowers and herbs. Livi was adorable, calling out "Boop!" as she poked each sunflower seed under the soil. We also did moonflowers and green beans. The lemon balm seeds went untouched, but I'll remedy that tomorrow. Must have the lemon balm. Doing simple things with my kids always makes me happy. It's so important to teach them that happiness doesn't come from the mall, but rather from family and friends and living a life that is real and kind and generous.

***

Breaking news, the phone just rang. It was a call from my sister. I couldn't pick up. Not just because I hate talking on the phone... I just know the news and don't want to hear it firsthand. She wouldn't be calling for no good or bad reason. It could be a glaring sign of immaturity on my part, or possibly an almost complete disconnection. My two sisters on my dad's side are actually amazing people, and they understand me quite well whether they realize it or not. And, really, I only use the word 'immaturity' because I just happen to be the youngest of all my siblings, and in my mind that's how they would categorize it.

***

Going back to semi-reality, I'm not ashamed to tell you my lunch today consisted of a slight amount of actual lunch, followed by two cocktails. Don't worry, I'm not home alone with the kids. And I'm not above dulling the pain. I'm in a weird spot. I wish I had my husband with me, and I am just one of those people who need their own space. If not physically, then mentally. In times of troubled thoughts, I take achievement where it can be found; I'm done contemplating and I need a complete zone-out. Clean the slate. Take out the trash. And so on, and so on, and such.

Some feelings. Nothing more, nothing less.

I just got off the phone with one of my sisters, and it turns out my one remaining grandparent is on her deathbed. Ask me if I can make sense of that.

Nope. Not really.

I haven't seen Sophie in 24 years. I remember her face, but I doubt she would recognize me. I'm sitting here thinking, and there isn't much about her that makes any sense. When I was a kid, she and my grandfather all but blamed my mom for the massive stroke that killed my dad. One encounter at one of my sisters' weddings, one birthday phone call, and a couple of decades later I'm here shaking my head. And my fist, a little. Not that I ever lacked family, what with three sisters, a brother, aunties, uncles, nieces, nephews, and a gazillion cousins. Obviously I've never had to spend Christmas alone. The thing that gets me now is the backward view. Looking through my memories and not finding any of Grandmom with my husband or my kids (not for lack of a brief effort on my part)... no pictures of her at my college graduation or my wedding.

There's no rule stating you have to love someone just because you are partly the same person. What I'm confused about now, though, is whether or not I feel anything at all. I don't hold it against her that she didn't seem to care much about what was happening with one of her six grandchildren. By the time I realized I should have been hurt, I was old enough to know that pinning your pain on someone else gets you nowhere. Am I a little jealous? Yeah, maybe. Am I a little sad? Yeah, but mostly because I don't like to hear about anyone dying. Did I cry when I heard she will probably not live another day? Almost... almost. I was shaking my head right there.

Sophie has lived 97 years, and is now dying of nothing more than old age. At this very moment, her body is missing that oxygen mask and asking itself what the fuck it should do next. Or maybe it already knows. Who can say for sure? Regardless, I wish Sophie a peaceful journey into the next life. I hope she comes back as something beautiful and free, and that she takes her final hours to realize how much she was once loved.

** late note **
It's about 30 minutes after I wrote all of that, and I just found myself in the kitchen mixing up a Salty Dog cocktail. So... hmm... I guess take that to mean whatever you think it means. I started to analyze, but it was just too massive either way and now I definitely need the alcohol. Partially kidding. And about that particular recipe, I like the little blurb about the drink but there seem to be a few variations. The common denominators appear to be grapefruit juice and gin or vodka. Oh, and P.S. don't put peach bitters in it like this guy suggests. Sub two of the ounces of grapefruit with bitter lemon soda. Sprite in a pinch. *ching*

Tag

Three names you go by:
1. Kar(e)
2. Love
3. Mommy

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Light gray longsleeve tee, boatneck, six-button cuff
2. Wedding ring
3. Black fleece yoga pants

Three things you want very badly at the moment:
1. Cuddle with hubby
2. Service on the iPhones
3. World peace

Three people you are certain who will answer:
1. Toni took my answers
2. But also,
3. Definitely Liz

Three of your favorite foods:
1. Blue claw crabs & beer (count as one)
2. Satay tofu from Penang
3. My mom's homemade pasta sauce

Three people you last talked to on the phone:
1. Frank
2. Joei
3. Receptionist at pediatrician's office

Three things you are going to do tomorrow:
1. Put chocolate frosting on the heart shaped, two-layer yellow cake I baked for the kids
2. Go outside
3. Drink coffee

Three of your favorite beverages:
1. Ruby red grapefruit juice
2. Water
3. Guinness

I grabbed this off Toni's Tales and Travails. Could not resist.