Down, down baby

Well my belly is definitely expanding. I was hoping to carry a little higher this time. Maybe there's still a chance, but it kind of seems like the 23 lbs. of little boy constantly hanging on my hip or sitting on my lap is dashing my hopes for a perky little tummy. He uses my belly as boost to climb up and grab at things he can't get to. I keep saying, "Hey, you're stepping on your sister there." He just giggles and keeps reaching.

Inconvenience fees

Every company I pay bills to seems to be all hot for charging "convenience fees" when you make payments over the phone. It's seriously annoying. I like making my payments by phone. It's so much easier because I know I have the money and I know exactly when it's coming out of my account. Mailing a check and seeing that money still in the bank a week later is just a tease. And lately paying things online is becoming just as much of a headache -- twice this week I got errors from different companies while I was entering payments. Then I had to call them, which is what I was trying to avoid in the first place. I want as little contact with these people as possible.

Even though we can afford a lovely life, it still seems I could find a much better way to spend that little bit of extra money I'm paying some people. It seems absurd that you have to pay them money to get them to take your money. Kind of reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from "WildBoyz" where they're in the swamp in Florida, and one of the guys says, "So we're going into this swamp to look for alligators, and then hide from alligators, under alligators." Yep.

Like it or not, I think I'll have to go back to mailing everything out.

p.s. Something to add to the list of things I didn't know about (see below)... "The Henry Rollins Show" on IFC. I caught an episode the other night. Henry has salt and pepper hair now. Even though he's probably pushing 50 (or already there), somehow I was the one feeling old.

Uhhh... what?

I don’t think I pay much attention to what’s going on around me anymore. I’m not sure, but I don’t think I do. I used to be the one complaining, “Frank, pay attention. Frank, why are you so spacey?” And now it’s the complete opposite. I’m the space cadet, the one whose mind wanders during the simplest task, the one who doesn’t hear you talking or asking her a question, and the one messing up her sentences then losing her train of thought. I’m surprisingly happy being this way. I’m not doing it on purpose, and I really don’t intend to do anything about it.

Sometimes I hear about something happening in the world and I think wow, I’m so out of touch. Like this whole thing with the new Radiohead album. I love Radiohead. I love Thom Yorke. If I could be an Englishman, I’d be him. (side note: female choice? Victoria Beckham) For years I listened to Radiohead almost every day. Can’t even tell you how many times I meditated to “Kid A” or got angry to “Hail to the Thief”. I can tell you how many times I've listened to “Pablo Honey” all the way through... three. It’s not my favorite. The only reason I haven’t thrown it in the trash is because it’s Radiohead. Anyway, I was shocked last week when I heard they have a new album, and that you could go on their site and pay whatever you want for it. No shit? Where the hell have I been? I'm counting that as two things I completely missed.

Another current event, perhaps more glabally relevant, that I am late hearing about is that Al Gore will be receiving the Nobel Peace Prize on Monday. If I were Al, I’d call up that jackass W and shout, “In yo’ FACE, sucka!” and hang up. What a different world this could have been had the presidency not been pulled out from under Gore by that weasel. I suppose our Al had bigger and better achievements to... *pfft* achieve.

It seems the list of things I’m late on is growing. For a little while there I was hoping the bubble would pop and I’d be back out in the world again, up as ever on the latest happenings. But I kind of like it in here. Think I’ll stay for a while. Just somebody please tell me if Thom puts out another record, would you?

It IS a girl!

Yep. It's a girl. Frank was so excited that he left work early and came home with a bottle of champagne, and I was so excited that I drank a whole glass of it. Woo-hoo! I'm super excited. I just love having an idea who's in there. Tonight I decided on a name, I'm just waiting for Final Daddy Approval. So just because I have a name picked out, doesn't mean we're done... but it's a start. I think Nico is excited too. We were at the doctor's office for about two and a half hours, and the only nap time he had was in the car. I thought he'd sleep once we got home, but he was going strong until almost 9pm.

In a funny little way, I feel like our family is complete. When I was younger I always knew I'd like to have children but I don't think I ever had a specific number in mind. Some people have a certain number they want, and some feel like there's just one more in there and then they're done. After Nico I felt like I could be done and be happy. I feel the same way with this baby.

Early this summer a few people asked me if I wanted to have more kids, and my answer was that I would he happy to have another baby but I wasn't ready for another pregnancy. As soon as I found out that my body was, in fact, ready, I was over the moon. Then a few weeks ago I had a mini meltdown over it... I panicked. There were all these mixed feelings, and I felt like I had no control over my life. Any time in the first six and a half years that we had purposely tried to get pregnant, nothing happened. Now here they were coming one right after the other, and I didn't know how to look at my life anymore. Who are these babies, who am I, and who the hell is this man living with us? Even though Frank was freaked out too, he really listened and helped put my mind at ease. I took a few days to think, process everything that was happening, and work out my emotions. Now I feel I can just relax and enjoy the ride.

This time around, I'm considering telling what the name will be before the baby's born. Last time, a few months into it I was telling people our ideas and it wound up being so frustrating that I decided to stop talking about it. I wanted to share the names and get pleasant reactions, not hear about someone's old dog or high school enemy having the same name I was thinking about giving my child. Or worse yet, have them flat out reject the name and give their own suggestions. People say the weirdest things to you when you're pregnant... but that's a topic for another day.

It's all coming together here

I spent a lot of time living like a college student in this house. For the longest time, we didn't even have a dining table. We were using a family heirloom table (the one Mom-Mom got when she was first married) for the first year and a half or so. Well, to say we were actually using it would be false. Most meals were still eaten on the sofa or on the floor in front of the tv. Our sofa was one of my favorite things, as uncomfortable as it was. The bathroom towels were the same ones I had in Collingswood.

Recently my little home has been getting a nice little makeover. We have a real sofa now, and a dining room table that nobody ever owned before us. An adult-sized television is sitting on an appropriately sized table in front of the fireplace. It's there because a) I have enough things for the baby to get into without worrying about fire and b) I always pick up the piece of wood that has the spider on it. Me no likey. There are pictures on the walls, and new towels for the bathroom. I don't consider myself too materialistic a person. It's just so nice to finally feel like I have an adult home. People can visit me and I feel so much more comfortable. We'll be having people in and out during the holiday season and it's just so nice to know I can accommodate everyone. Makes me feel like a grown-up, like I've accomplished part of what I'm here to do.

So along with just making a nicer home to be in all day, we're still baby proofing. I spent half an hour tonight drilling and securing a tall piece of furniture to the wall in the dining room. It's got three shelves on top and a cabinet part on the bottom with two more shelves inside. I would have liked to have gone to bed at 11 tonight, sure... but it was so satisfying to finally unwrap and put out the set of vintage juice glasses my mom gave me about a year ago. They have roosters on them and I love them. Another day will begin at sunrise, and I'll be back to the household to-do list. I'm actually looking forward to it.

They look like little ants playing basketball...

Just in case you've never noticed, you can take a little peek into prison life when you drive over the Ben Franklin bridge. I don't remember when I first saw it, or if someone else pointed it out to me, but on the way into Philadelphia there is decent-sized jail right on the Jersey coastline. Driving over, you can usually only see a little bit of what's happening. From the speedline you get a much, much better view. Mostly I just say, "Hello, prisoners!" when I'm in a car. On the train, though, the ride is much more exciting. You might get to see the prisoners playing basketball, working out, or *oh my gosh* walking around in little groups. I always wonder what they're talking about. I think about who's in for what, and for how long. Do they have families, do they have pen pal girlfriends and/or wives, do they have vending machines where they can get Cheetos?

It's my personal belief these guys in Camden jail are bad, but not too dangerous just judging on how close the prison is to the surrounding neighborhood. If you've ever seen it, you know it's pretty darn close. You can see kids riding bikes on the next block. Taken on its own, the building is intimidating. Towers, barbed wire, fenced off areas, narrow windows. Even though it's no super-max, I prefer to keep looking down from the bridge, moving at 50+ miles per hour. I don't know why I love to see the prisoners when they're out in the yard... if there's no one outside when I'm passing by, I'm so disappointed. Not sure why criminals fascinate me. They do awful things with no regard for other people, risk losing their freedom, being locked away from their loved ones. On the train it almost seems quaint. Hello, little prisoners. In person, I would most likely be peeing myself. I love to see the prison and watch the shows about maximum security penitentiaries. But hell if I would ever jump at the chance to walk through San Quentin. Are you nuts? You couldn't pay me enough money. I guess there's no point to this entry really, just that if you are ever on the bridge there is more to see than just the tall buildings on the other side.